TIGER

I can see it now...

TIGER. An Oliver Stone film. Will Smith playing Woods. Charlize Theron as Woods' wife. Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton and Megan Fox (in a blonde wig) as three of his many lovers. Music by Will.i.am and Hans Zimmer. A number by Will Smith and Will.i.am over the closing credits. The bill poster all green, with a small black man in red Polo shirt and beige pants looking up at the sky, with a golf club in one hand and a bra in the other. The tag line: even legends have handicaps.

At the Academy Awards, the film will win best picture. Stone will hold his Oscar high and Will and Tiger will spontaneously run to the stage to hug Stone and smile for the cameras. Denzel Washington will be first to his feet to applaud. At the after party, Woods will cry and fall over a table and kiss a cute waitress on the cheek and Annie Leibovitz will take the photo's for a special edition of Vanity Fair.

And somewhere in there, Richard Wilkins will say something profound for the Aussie telecast.

LJ, December 13 2009.